Southern Diet Frustrates Health Officials

Can there be any doubt how tickled I was to read "Southern Diet Frustrates Health Officials" on Yahoo! this afternoon? The article is all about how health officials are having a very difficult time convincing Southerners to give up "bad" foods. How hard? "Even at the Atlanta headquarters of the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the leader of the nation's anti-obesity campaign, the cafeteria serves up such artery-clogging regional favorites as biscuits and gravy." And, I have to say, if someone wants to eat a "Luther Burger" (a bacon-cheeseburger served on a Krispy Kreme doughnut bun), more power to them. I'm not going to eat it, because I think I just had a heart attack reading about it, but I'd love to see someone do it. (Yes, I know that the Corporate Shill doesn't want to have her insurance premiums rise because of all of us fat-asses down here, but lucky for her, few of us have insurance and few of us get the medical treatment we need, so if we rot out our guts and die, it barely affects her. We're using her tax dollars to promote abstinant heteronormativity and creationism, not to provide healthcare to ourselves.) The problem is, though, exactly what they say it is: a lot of Southern food is delicious. Believe me, there's not a green vegetable alive that can't be spruced up with a pork product (though it does make one wonder how there can possibly be any Southern vegetarians, when all vegetables are pork transporting mechanisms). And lots of yummy things are fried: potatoes, chicken, steak, etc. But as unhealthy as our meals are, I think there's a little alarmist tone to this article that undermines the message. After all, not all of us are eating deep-fried hot dogs wrapped in beef patties covered in chili, cheese, onions, fried eggs, and french fries. I wouldn't even know where to go to get one of those. Still, you have to feel for anyone who is actually trying to eat healthy, since what's healthy and what's not seems hard to decipher. Eat more fruit and vegetables. Fruit juice isn't any better for you than soda. Don't fry your foods--think of all that fat! Use healthier food preparation methods, like grilling. . . err, okay, not grilling. Don't eat eggs. No, wait, eat eggs. Must we return to a diet of gruel and whatever fresh vegetables we can scavange? Perhaps this is the safest bet. No one ever died of eating too much boiled wheat (though some have died from trying to steal vegetables from Mr. McGregor's garden). But before we all convert to a healthy lifestyle, let's take a look at one of the Southern pleasures we'd be giving up. I give you the chocolate trifle: 1 chocolate cake mix 1 bottle of Jack Daniel's 1 tub of whipped cream 1 bottle of chocolate syrup or fudge (mmm, fudge would be very good) 1 bag of chocolate candies You make the chocolate cake, then you poke holes in it and soak it with the Jack Daniel's (not the whole bottle, obviously, but you know, give the cake a good drink). Put the cake in the fridge and let it sit for an hour or so to absorb the whiskey. Then, in a big glass trifle bowl (or any glass bowl) start layering crumbled chocolate cake, whipped cream, fudge, and candy over and over until the bowl is full. Firm it up in the fridge a little and then serve. Yum, yum.