Monday, November 08, 2004

Who Peed on the Couch?

Occasionally, you will be confronted with an unanswerable question. What happens when we die? Do we all see the same colors or is the color I call "blue" the shade that appears to the Super Genius when she looks at "green" things? How do bumblebees fly with those tiny wings and that big fat body? And, most importantly, who peed on the couch? The suspects are as follows: Me. I was very drunk Saturday night and quite hung over all Sunday. I don't recall peeing on the couch, but I was sleeping on the couch most of the day until I noticed the pee. Neither I nor the blanket I was wrapped in smelled particularly pee-like though, and neither of them were wet. The Dog. The dog has never peed in the house for as long as we've owned her. Yet, there's always a first time, I supposed. The little cat. The little cat has never peed in inappropriate spots and this seemed to be large amount of pee, though how large is hard to tell, because I had the brilliant idea of pouring soapy water onto the pee which then made the couch much wetter than it was and probably drove the smell deeper into the cushions. The orange cat. The orange cat is notorious for peeing on things in the house that don't meet with his approval: large piles of laundry, plastic bags, and, well, mostly plastic bags. There were no plastic bags on the couch and I'm almost 99% positive that the cat was out all day. The Ghosts of the Civil War. They did steal my can opener and my post about them stealing my can opener, so it's possible that my discussing them has upset them so much that they've now peed on my couch, but that seems unlikely. I've taken the blame in our house for peeing on the couch, because if I hadn't been throwing up on myself all morning, I could have taken the dog out and let the cats out, and thus no one would have been forced to pee on the couch in protest for my bad pet-ownership skills. Remarkably, the Butcher seemed to take my claiming responsibility for the pee on the couch very calmly. His exact words were: "Well, I hope we get a new couch for Christmas, then." and "Then you get to sleep on the couch when we have company." Also, he purchased some Wool-lite pet stain remover which is supposed to also keep pets from re-marking. This is both exciting to me and scary. Because, now, if someone pees on the couch again, I know it's either me or the Civil War Vets.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think my green is actually your puce, but that's an issue for another time.

While I prefer to blame the ghosts of the civil war on this one, if you are actually the one that did the peeing, the real question to me is what were you doing that got you so drunk? Yes, drinking, I know, but under what circumstances.

More seriously, it started with a pickle but now I am starting to were really drunk, I had a fair amount of wine with dinner on Friday (but all pillows were safe from glasses of water and I did not tell anyone to shut up or take a jog to the car), you had bodily fluid of unknown pet or human origin, I had to clean up some pet puke myself and almost puked when I noticed it was still warm. Parallel lives, I tell you! You think it is a game and now there's some bizarre and frightening psychic connection! Aunt B, what twisted connection have you built between us and what will happen?

OK, seriously, dude, all I really wanna know is what kind of wild party were you at?

-The Super Genius (now with new stain removing power)

11/08/2004 02:22:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

You know, Sars over on Tomato Nation insinuates that Jim Morrison used to go around peeing on other band-members couches. I'm not saying that the ghost of Jim Morrison peed on my couch, but you can bet that I'll be dropping hints in that general direction to the vampire down the street.

11/09/2004 08:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, now, this is unfair. You have ghosts of the civil war, Jim Morrison coming out of the grave to pee on your couch, a vampire that lives down the street, and a host of cool kids that live on your block. The most interesting people in my building are the man who goes to the trash chute in his underwear (actually, he moved) and the couple that fights in the elevator about the fact that they are chronically late in the morning.

And on the mind control front - another question is if the Shill (also party to the psychic pickle experiment) had any experiences parallel to ours this weekend.


11/09/2004 09:04:00 AM  

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