Who Peed on the Couch?

Occasionally, you will be confronted with an unanswerable question. What happens when we die? Do we all see the same colors or is the color I call "blue" the shade that appears to the Super Genius when she looks at "green" things? How do bumblebees fly with those tiny wings and that big fat body? And, most importantly, who peed on the couch? The suspects are as follows: Me. I was very drunk Saturday night and quite hung over all Sunday. I don't recall peeing on the couch, but I was sleeping on the couch most of the day until I noticed the pee. Neither I nor the blanket I was wrapped in smelled particularly pee-like though, and neither of them were wet. The Dog. The dog has never peed in the house for as long as we've owned her. Yet, there's always a first time, I supposed. The little cat. The little cat has never peed in inappropriate spots and this seemed to be large amount of pee, though how large is hard to tell, because I had the brilliant idea of pouring soapy water onto the pee which then made the couch much wetter than it was and probably drove the smell deeper into the cushions. The orange cat. The orange cat is notorious for peeing on things in the house that don't meet with his approval: large piles of laundry, plastic bags, and, well, mostly plastic bags. There were no plastic bags on the couch and I'm almost 99% positive that the cat was out all day. The Ghosts of the Civil War. They did steal my can opener and my post about them stealing my can opener, so it's possible that my discussing them has upset them so much that they've now peed on my couch, but that seems unlikely. I've taken the blame in our house for peeing on the couch, because if I hadn't been throwing up on myself all morning, I could have taken the dog out and let the cats out, and thus no one would have been forced to pee on the couch in protest for my bad pet-ownership skills. Remarkably, the Butcher seemed to take my claiming responsibility for the pee on the couch very calmly. His exact words were: "Well, I hope we get a new couch for Christmas, then." and "Then you get to sleep on the couch when we have company." Also, he purchased some Wool-lite pet stain remover which is supposed to also keep pets from re-marking. This is both exciting to me and scary. Because, now, if someone pees on the couch again, I know it's either me or the Civil War Vets.