Why It Should Be Me
The AP reports: "Bush: List for Second Vacancy 'Wide Open'."
Wide open enough to include me? Why the hell not?
Here's what I've got going for me:
- I'm not a lawyer, but I know some.
- I'm a woman.
- I'm pro-choice.
- I'm pro-gay marriage.
- I'm pro-First and -Second Amendment.
- I'm pro-Affirmative Action
- I'm pro-Equal Rights
- Conservatives already hate me, so Bush could be seen as throwing a bone to liberals.
- He could also be seen as appeasing his weblogging critics.
- He'd be giving Bill Hobbs a lifetime of blog fodder. Think of all the ways Bill would hate every opinion I rendered.
- I'm young, so a lifetime appointment for me would really be a lifetime appointment. Both my grandmas lived well into their eighties and one is still going strong. So, I've got at least fifty years to give to the Court.
- I'm not very politically active--The Tennessee Democratic Women keep sending me emails and I keep deleting them & I vote, but that's about it--so there wouldn't be a lot of paperwork for the media or Congress to have to sort through.
- Bush needs to do something to throw the restless Republicans for a loop. Nominating me would certainly do that.
- I hate Bush. Nominating me would prove that not everything he does is pandering to the extremists in his party or his friends.
- It'd be great fun to whisper "Oh, I'd love to fuck you up the ass, big boy" to Rick Santorum as I walked by him on my way to my Senate confirmation hearings. And when he turned, outraged, I promise I'd give him a big long, delicious wink and pull the tip of a big rainbow dildo out of my purse and wiggle it at him salaciously.
- The Democrats would love me and the Republicans would have to approve me or face Karl Rove's wrath. No filibuster problem with me!
So, President Bush, nominate me! You could do worse.
posted by Aunt B at 9/07/2005 12:01:00 PM
24 Comments:
I'm gonna call him right now. Anyone got his cell number?
No offense, B, but this is a job for a lawyer. So, you know who I think should get the local nod: Mr. Roboto.
If anybody can get the Supremes to come together on big issues, who better than Nashville's very own lawyer-by-day, nightlife-expert-by-night?
(If you agree, though, let me know in advance so I can remove some of my racy posts from my blog.)
The URL for the big rainbow dildo appears to be broken.
Not that I clicked on it or anything. Uh, I gotta go.
Sorry about that, for those of you looking for a big rainbow dildo. The link appears to be fixed now.
Mr. Roboto, while I agree that it would seem that this job should go to a lawyer (especially one who's so deft at hooking people up), times like these call for thinking outside the box. A non-lawyer whose only experience with the law is reading the copyright statutes for fun is the way to go.
Pick me, George, pick me.
My political ambitions are tempered by this one inevitable question: "will the fact that I once ran a blog chronicling my nightlife adventures be a problem?"
Mr. Roboto, if ever there was a reason to donate to the rebuilding of New Orleans, it is so there will exist at least one city in America where the answer to that question is a resounding "no."
Maybe thats where Roger Abramson of PITW went...to become the next SCOTUS nomination!
Nice ass-fucking comment. You're well on your way to being Nashville's Wonkette.
On the dildo page, there's an item called the Texas Two Strap. Seems perfect for a certain asshole president from Texas.
I think this new campaign calls for a new slogan on your Tiny Cats Pants t-shirts.
This is serious business. My two favorite Nashville bloggers competing. I just don't know.... But Roboto is helping me improve my bad game.
W
Yes, but I like it when construction workers hoot at me.
Roboto wants to teach you to be civilized. I want you to follow a line of whiskey to my door.
Really, which makes for a more fun Supreme Court justice?
Ahhh, good point Auntie. Roboto could help me meet girls, but you ARE a girl. Hmmm........ The dilemma is worse now.
W
Plus, Mr. Roboto already has a job that contributes to society. I'm just one fuck-up away from being a welfare queen. You should support my efforts to have a good, steady job for the next fifty years.
Listen, either way, I'm probably going to be living off the dool. You can pay me to sit around in my one room shack with four babies playing in their own filth while I argue with the phone company about getting the numbers of my babies' daddies so that I can get some child support or you can pay me to weigh in on the most important judicial review process in the nation.
It's your choice, America.
Dole. That should be dole. I don't know what a dool is.
Since you brought it up, what's the deal with anal sex these days? It's like every guy I go out with lately want to...
Aunt B...are you spreading rumors that anal sex is the new Fendi and Prada for the fall?
Since you brought it up, what's the deal with anal sex these days?
You know, I just really don't know where to go with this....
God, I just love my visits here!
Sharon, I couldn't start a trend if my life depended on it, especially not with my one unbreakable rule about it (Unbreakable Rule: You first). So, it's not me.
If only we did have the Female Blogger Alliance, we could get together and hash this shit out.
I have a theory, but it involves gross generalizations about the psychological make-up of men and I've just been giving Sarcastro shit about reductionist stereotypes, so I'm loathe to show my hypocracy so soon.
Still, if one can't be a hypocrite on the internet, where can one?
So, first, two caveats. One, none of this applies to my male readers. They are the best, most-open minded, sexually adventurous, large but not uncomfortably large penised, generous, and good in bed men on the planet. And smart and charming, to boot.
Second, there's a huge difference between "Hey, I know we haven't been fucking very long, but I'm going to stick my dick up your ass" and "So, what's on the menu for this evening woman whose last name and occupation I know and whose closest family members I can name?" If you are not sure of the importance of that difference, you probably should not be attempting to have anal sex.
So, here's my theory. As one part of a large repetoire of activities, it's no big deal. But, as you know, it doesn't seem to be in the "no big deal" category. It now seems to be the goal to which many men strive.
Why is that? Because straight men are socialized to both bond tightly with other men and to purge homosexuals from their midst. They're also socialized to think only of us as not only potential life mates but as their only potential sex partners.
My theory is that they're really fucking curious what it would be like to fuck each other, but they can't overcome their homophobia long enough to just give it to their buddies (or get it from them). So, instead, they want to experiment on us.
They can fuck us in the ass and both satisfy their curiosity about what it'd be like to fuck their buddies and reaffirm to themselves that they're "real" men and really only want to fuck women.
THAT's the reason for my rule. If you want to have slightly kinky, enjoyable sex, fine. Bend over and let me lube this puppy up. But if you want to work out your fucked up feelings about your friends on me, see a shrink.
Well alrighty then. The next guy who wants to me bend over, I'm going to hand him what you wrote and ask him to analize (sic) his repressed homosexuality before we break out the KY. Anal sex is just so darn trendy these days.
Hmmm. I imagine this post just killed my chances of running for public office.
Mr. Roboto? Where do you weight in on this issue?
I figured your theory would be the whole degradation of women thing. Distasteful as that is, your theory is even more repulsive. Yech.
But what if you'd like to fuck your shrink in the ass?
If your shrink is up for it, what the hell?
Ladies, if a guy suggests you have anal sex with him, just tell him to get a prostate exam. That'll cure him right off. After that if he can still suggest it without curling up in the fetal position and crying, then introduce him to your best gay friend. Because he's on the wrong side of the fence.
W
Aw, now, W., if we women judged every potential sexual experience on our trips to the doctor, you all would be very, very lonely. A lot of things that don't feel very good when a doctor squirts a little KY on his gloved finger and does it in his office feel mighty fine when done anywhere but there.
I'm not opposed to anal sex. I just require you prove that you're as adventurous as you'd like me to be. Enjoying having things up your butt does not make you gay. Wanting to stick something up my butt while thinking of your best guy friend might.
Hence the reason for the rule.
Holy Shit, B!
I go away for a day and look what you do! I click on the comments for a post about you being nominated for the supreme court and get a (w)hole education on buttfucking!
Excellent theory on that, though. That never occurred to me. I think you may have something there.
Also, you made me snort again, so that's good. Hahahahaha!!!
I'm not saying I'm against the idea. But after that experience I'm certainly not going to suggest it. I apparently don't have as much experience as you do with the differences between the doctor's office and the bedroom. Good point though.
W
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