Thursday, February 02, 2006

Woo-hoo, Naked Men!

I've seen my share of naked men* and I've even, on one occasion, shamelessly begged a sweet amenable stranger to just stand in front of me naked and let me drink in a good look**. I've enjoyed the small of y'alls back and the way you hold your shoulders slightly scrunched over when you're working hard at something. And I like the way you look all asleep with one arm here and a leg over there and your hair sticking up and to the side of your faces. But I'm tired of how secretively utilitarian the naked male body seems--this ordinary thing that we never get to see. Not yours specifically. Lord knows. I mean naked men in general. Tonight, I went over to the Professor's and she cooked up this delicious chicken in her crock pot*** and then we went over to see this documentary about penises. As far as documentaries about penises go, this one was bland and earnest. Really, it could have benefited from a little Monty Python-esque humor, and sadly, for a documentary about penises, there were very few actual penises. Worse than that, though, is that there were very few shots of the whole bodies of men. Mostly, the camera focused on their faces or just from the waist up, which is really too bad, because, even with the frat boys who sat there in their underwear, it was really cool to watch their whole selves take up space on the screen. I sometimes get the feeling that men are not used to being looked at as aesthetic objects. I know I don't look at men I don't know, usually. And when I look at the men I know, I'm usually responding to who they are as people and making eye contact and trying to be a decent human being. I can't think of any circumstances under which I'm close enough to a man to observe him without also having it seem like I want to engage him. I guess maybe baseball games. There's no fancy padding and the uniforms are tight enough that you can see their bodies move and they stand around a lot and talk smack and lunge and run and saunter and spit and you can get a good look at how a lot of different male bodies doing a lot of different things look. And you can linger. Aha! That's what I mean. All the time, my eye can linger on female bodies. I can see us on tv and on the screen and gussied up in real life and on display. But lingering on men? I guess it seems kind of rude and like it would make y'all self-conscious or think that I was looking to fuck you. And so, I was hoping this documentary would do that, linger on men, on their whole selves, and let me sit back and take a good look at you. But, alas, even in this documentary about penises, men were given their privacy. Still, it was nice to see the few naked guys they did show, and to see the diversity of humanity. One guy kept talking about how ugly penises were and it really bothered me. Do y'all think that? I hope not. Because, really, what ended up being very nice about the film was that it reaffirmed just how beautiful ordinary men are. *Oh my god! Why would I say that? No, I've totally seen far fewer than my share of naked men. Send me your photographs, stand outside my house with nothing on but your cutest smile, even up the score, boys! **To his credit and my eternal regret, he politely declined. ***If you ever get invited to the Professor's for the pleasure of a meal from her crock pot, you would be crazy to turn her down.


Blogger SuperGenius said...

Second sentence, third paragraph = best review of a penis documentary I have ever seen.

2/02/2006 09:34:00 PM  
Blogger Um...why? said...

Talk sweet to me and I might make a HNT pic you might like....or might scare you to or the other.

2/02/2006 09:44:00 PM  
Blogger saraclark said...

Well once again, you have hit on one of my favorite subjects. I long campaigned for equality in nudity between men and women. If you can see so many scantily dressed women in the media, I want an equal amount of scantily dressed or even nude men.

I can certainly appreciate an attractive male form. The best ever has to be a guy from the black and white Janet Jackson video from several years ago. He wasn't naked but he was beautifully shaped, I could use more of that. Short term, I am holding out for some Hockey Player nudity, they have the most amazing legs.

2/02/2006 11:28:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Mmm. Hockey players... And what about soccer players? Very nice legs.

Boy Scout, nothing makes a straight girl more likely to talk about tits and cooters than a handsome naked man. I'd think you'd know that by now.

2/03/2006 08:26:00 AM  
Blogger Exador said...

I thought this blog was all about tits and cooters.

2/03/2006 08:26:00 AM  
Blogger grandefille said...

I'm not for observing groups of penii, just as I am not one for observing groups of any other body part. I prefer the singular, thankyewverymuch. But to each her own, obviously.

I have never understood why, though, in our Western American We're-Holier-Than-Y'all Society, naked men are considered more naked than naked women, when men are naked. It's patriarchal, I think. We're all lovely, boys and girls, in our own beautiful ways. (And I think I used the word "naked" more times in that sentence than is legally allowed under the PATRIOT Act. Be thankful I didn't say "nekkid," which, as we all know, is not just unclothed but up to somethin'. RIP Lewis Grizzard.)

It is sometimes difficult to explain how one can appreciate the human form as a work of art without folks sexualizing it. For example, I had a boss years ago whose thighs, in a pair of jeans, created a line worthy of Michaelangelo. I always wanted to photograph that line in black-and-white; Michaelangelo would have sculpted it, I'm sure. If I could draw, I could sit right down now with a pencil and show you exactly what I'm talking about. It was just lovely.

Was I wanting to mack on my boss? Not on your life. A) That would be WRONG (tm Buffy); B) He was not my type at all; C) I respected him too much to ever bring up anything that could make him feel uncomfortable or sound inappropriate. But there you are. I was, as the preacher said, appreciatin' the wonderful works of the Lord.

And speakin' of wonderful works, Taye Diggs taking his shirt off on "Will & Grace" last night (shut UP) was almost a religious experience. What a lovely, lovely man he is. (And nice, too, reportedly. Hooray!)

2/03/2006 09:11:00 AM  
Blogger Plimco said...

I'm sorry to be the one to say this, but come ON, folks. Women just look better naked than men. All the soft curves parts and...smooth lines. When you see a man standing in front of you naked, he just looks kind of goofy. You're like. Huh. What is that?! Protruding a squashy manner.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sucking a nice penis every now and again, but if we're talking pure aesthetics? Beauty? Form? Art? Women just look better naked. Sorry, but it's true.

2/03/2006 09:31:00 AM  
Blogger Chrissykins said...

If you want to feast on beautiful nude males, go to It's DELICIOUS. It's my secret Monday night treat that my hubby doesn't know about!

2/03/2006 09:32:00 AM  
Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

Aunt B. is a feminist chick
Who went to a naked man flick
She's bored with her cooter
And befreckled hooter
And now wants a pic of my dick

2/03/2006 09:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Plimco. (And wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about this?) I like looking at men's torsos and and butts and legs, but the penis itself is kind of bizarre looking. Squashy. Wrinkled like a little old man. There's an awesome poem by either Sharon Olds or some Irish woman poet about her lover's penis that describes it as like a snail, reaching so innocently and trustingly up toward her. It's a nice poem. I couldn't find it so I thought I'd share Olds' poem about "The Pope's Penis".

It hangs deep in his robes, a delicate
clapper at the center of a bell.
It moves when he moves, a ghostly fish in a
halo of silver seaweed, the hair
swaying in the dimness and the heat--and at night,
while his eyes sleep, it stands up
in praise of God.

Miss J

2/03/2006 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Two poems?! Y'all my heart cannot stand it. I love all the poetry at Tiny Cat Pants.

Knucklehead, you made me laugh so hard, I can't even tell you.

And J., wow, how beatiful.

But I just have to disagree with you about the ugliness of the penis. I adore how they look, kind of ridiculous and so very present all the time.

I mean, we're all like "get up in here where we hide our thin line between here and eternity" and they're all spurting eternity all over the place like eternity is an extravagance.

I find them charming in their unnecessary extravagance.

2/03/2006 10:51:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't get me wrong, B, I'm all about gettin it on with the penis and playing with it. I just don't find it all that beautiful from an aesthetic standpoint.

I also laughed out loud at the Knucklehead poem. Hooray for poetry!

Miss J

2/03/2006 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger the Professor said...

I like the look of (most) penises. I think that we all would, if we were allowed to and if we saw them more often. Sure, we tend to like smooth skin more than wrinkled skin, but they smooth out quite nicely when they are ready to play.

It's a good thing he got me the very large crock pot, if I'm going to be cooking for all your readers. But thanks for the public compliments.

2/03/2006 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

"I like the look of (most) penises."

Five minutes in the locker room of the Harding Place Y would surely change your mind.

2/03/2006 11:46:00 AM  
Blogger the Professor said...

I worked in athletics at a big division 1 school - I've spent entirely too much time in men's locker rooms already. And, I still like penises.

I don't get it. Y'all are so cool with being naked such that you have no shower curtains and never close doors even when you know young women are at work in the area and can't avoid you (or will have to be the one to deliver things and messages to you during sporting events), then why do you also not get naked in non-porn movies and insist that even you think penises are ugly?

I don't know what to believe.

2/03/2006 11:58:00 AM  
Blogger Exador said...

I'm happy to say that my penis has been described as "Magnificent".

Apparently men control Hollywood. We don't care about someone seeing us naked, but we don't want to see other guys naked, even on screen.

Maybe you gals are just more accepting of such things. Just look bisexuality.

2/03/2006 12:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Lulu said...

For nice male body reviews, attend a swim meet.

Healthy men in speedos.

Poetry in motion.

2/03/2006 08:13:00 PM  

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