Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The FAQ

1. Why "Tiny Cat Pants"? I think "pants" is just about the funniest word ever and once, when someone asked me what I thought was funnier than pants, I blurted out "Cat pants. Tiny Cat Pants." I imagined some shiny gold pants on a stylish cat and it just cracked me up. So, when I started to blog, I thought it'd make for a good, strange name that people would remember. 2. So, are the pants tiny or is the cat tiny? The pants are tiny compared to normal pants. They are, instead cat-sized. They are tiny cat pants, not tiny cat pants, though, if such pants really existed, I would certainly not dissuade tiny cats from wearing them. 3. For a blog called "Tiny Cat Pants," you sure do talk a lot about your dog. Why don't you write more about your cats? Honestly, my cats are pretty boring, especially in comparison to Mrs. Wigglebottom. One cat goes outside a lot. The other cat sheds all her butt hair in the winter. One of them peed in the drier. That's about it. Mrs. Wigglebottom, on the other hand, is always the cutest funniest dog ever and even right now, when I look over at her sleeping on the couch, with her paw nestled up by her cheek, I just about can't stand it. 4. What kind of dog is Mrs. Wigglebottom? She's an American Staffordshire Terrier, it's one of the pit bull breeds. 5. You have a pit bull?! How can you be so irresponsible?! Don't you know she'll snap and kill your cats, kill your neighbor kids, and then kill you with her jaws that are genetically mutated to clamp down and never let go? Thank you for your concern, but if her jaws are indeed genetically mutated to clamp down and never let go, she would have starved to death days after taking her first bite of solid food. And shoot, as long as I'm third on the list, I've got time to run. I kid. 6. Is she scary looking? Not at all. In fact, most people who don't know what kind of dog she is assume that she's a giant Boston Terrier. 7. Is she nice? Yes, she's very sweet, even though she has terrible manners. 8. Are you really an aunt? Yes. 9. Is the Butcher real? Yes, everyone I talk about is real and all of the things I say about them are how I recollect them. I'm not saying that everything is 100% factual and accurate, as I come from a long line of storytellers, con artists, and preachers, but they're how I remember them. 10. Why do you blog anonymously? It started out as a joke. My audience was people I knew in real life and so it was just a thin verneer of anonymity for the sake of funny. Now, I do it out of courtesy for my family. 11. Can I meet you? Maybe. 12. Can I make out with you? Maybe. If I'm drunk, probably. 13. Are you the same in real life as you are on-line? No, I'm much more awkward in real life, I think. 14. You're not Christian, are you? No. 15. What are you? Let's just say I'm an optimistic hard-core polytheist. 16. What does that mean? I'm not sure there are any gods, but if there are, I think they're all real and all distinct from each other. 17. But isn't your dad a minister? Hence one of the reasons I blog anonymously. 18. Jesus loves you. Yes, I know. 19. But you know you're going to hell, right? One way or another, I'm sure. 20. You sell Tiny Cat Pants products. How are sales? Well, you know, better than I expected, considering that I expected to sell a t-shirt to the Corporate Shill, a t-shirt to the Professor, and a t-shirt to me. How CafePress works is that you have to earn $25 before you get a check and each of my products is just marked up a few dollars. So, keeping that in mind, I've gotten one check for $30. With the next batch of money I was supposed to get, I bought a t-shirt from Tim Morgan and one from Flea. And I think I'm going to get a third check here in a bit. So, it earns me about $25 every three months, which I do, usually, spend on beer or other frivolous nonsense I wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. 21. What kind of feminist are you? The kind with a very cute boob freckle. 22. Will you ever convince the libertarians to sound their barbaric yawps over the roofs of the world? I hope so. Who more than they is not a bit tamed? 23. Why do you flirt with everyone? Because I can. 24. Are there any rules for commenting? One. You must respect and strive to maintain the frith of the community. We argue, fuss, and fight because there are folks here from a wide variety of backgrounds who disagree on just about everything. The only way it can work is if everyone agrees that having a space like this is worth-while and worth treating well. That can only happen if everyone respects each other, even when, or especially when they disagree. 25. But what if I'm just a giant jackass who cannot behave? Then prepare to have your ass handed to you by people who are smarter, quicker, and funnier than you. 26. You're liberal, right? Don't you know taxes are stealing? Taxation is fundamentally immoral. So is exchanging your body for money, capitalist pig. 27. You're liberal, right? So why are you so hard on liberal men? Because liberal men claim to be on my side. 28. When are you going to run for President? Will that get in the way of my being Queen of the Planet? Because, if I can get that gig, I think that's probably all the power I need. 29. Why is there only one boob freckle? I have just gone into the bathroom and turned on the light, stood in front of the mirror and scrutinized my tits. For the record, there are three official boob freckles. There is the famous boob freckle, which resides on the top part of my right boob, right where it can peek out when I wear button-down shirts. There is another freckle right at the point where the left boob goes from being shoulder to boob. I haven't really been counting this one. But then, I also found another freckle on the bottom side of my right boob. Cute as hell, but unnoticed by me, because, unless I was doing a boob freckle search in front of a mirror, I could have never seen it. These freckles never fade. They're just there. Occassionally, like right now, I have some faint boob freckles that showed up just because my tits have gotten some sun. I don't feel it's fair to call these official boob freckles as I can't guarantee that they'll be there when you see my tits. So, the official count is three. But I'll be keeping a closer eye on things, to see if there are any changes, since I know how important this issue is to y'all.

3 Comments:

Blogger Aunt B said...

Ha, y'all. Reading through this, I realized I'm the person least in need of a FAQ ever.

But for some reason, that makes it all the greater.

3/28/2006 06:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Chris Wage said...

Tiny Monkey Pants

3/28/2006 07:45:00 PM  
Blogger Cindy St. Onge said...

Ahh, it's like discovering your blog all over again!

3/29/2006 05:27:00 PM  

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