Looking for Ways to Make Money

Among my family members, when one has severe money woes, the quickest way to un-woe yourself is, to borrow Flea's delicious phrase, to spend some time on the road as an "unlicensed traveling pharmaceutical salesman." I, however, can't stand the thought of making my mom cry--which she certainly would if I went to jail--and I am, perhaps, the squarest square of them all. I'm constantly telling my friends to be careful in whatever they do lest they be exposed to unsanitary conditions that cause them to get gangrene and have to have their feet chopped off. I would be the person that, when stopped by the police because my tail light was out would immediately confess to having two hundred pounds of marijuana in my trunk. And then I'd beg not to be beaten. So, drug dealing is out for me. Instead, I've been kicking around the idea of selling Tiny Cat Pants t-shirts. I'd buy one, I'm pretty sure Tim Morgan would buy one, and I could probably convince the Shill to buy one. If I could sell three t-shirts, for sure, I'd only have to price them at $7,000 a piece to be completely debt free, excluding my student loan. Sadly, if I had $7,000 with which to buy a t-shirt, I'd have $7,000 to use to, say, pay off my car loan. So, I should not count on me as one of the t-shirt sales, which means I'll have to raise the price to $10,000 a piece. Unfortunately, the only entity I know who would pay $10,000 for anything that should only cost $20, sight unseen, is the federal government. And I don't have any federal government connections. Still, it'd be damn cool to see Dick Cheney in a Tiny Cat Pants t-shirt...