Ma'am, step away from the ROTC

One of our local bloggers, Short and Fat, seems to have been in every branch of the military--Army, Navy, Air Force, Salvation Army, Old Navy, Merchant Marines--you name it. And yet, whenever a question of military etiquette comes up, I never think to use him as a resource. Here are the questions I wish I'd asked him and the hard-learned answers. Question: I used to drive by the Navy ROTC every day on my way to work. Recently they've moved. Today, though, I saw what was obviously some grown up associated with the ROTC laying on the ground in their old parking lot doing what looked like to me weird convulsions. Is it impolite to get out of the car and turn him on his side so that he doesn't choke on his own vomit? Answer: Those were some kind of exercise. Attempting to touch a member of the military while he's exercising will get you thrown to the asphalt. Do not approach said member of the military, but, if you must enquire into his well-being, it's probably best to hide behind a car so that he can't see you and call out "Does the big old Navy man need a woman to help him get up off the ground?" especially if you know you can't outrun him. Question: Top Gun is gay, right? I mean, obviously, it's gay. It's not just Tarentino and Avery that think so. The girl's name is Charlie, for god's sake. Answer: Never ask a military man this question. Don't attempt to point the gay subtext out to him. Don't offer to watch the movie with him and show him. Let's just say that Antonio Alfonseca and I used to have a great deal in common and the military painfully took care of it. I didn't know you really could just rip those things off, but you can, and ouch. But here are two questions I've never gotten good answers to. Perhaps my military readers can help. Question: At Christmas, I notice that Santa Claus spends a lot of time shilling for the Salvation Army. But he also flies all over the world on Christmas night. Why isn't Santa with the Salvation Air Force? Answer: No one seems to know. Question: In my younger days, I dated an Air Force dude. He was stationed in Maine at one of the now defunct bases. His job seemed to consist mostly of chasing raccoons out of hangers. Are raccoons especially prone to pirating jets? Are these nefarious Canadian raccoons trying to steal our technology? Is my tax money really going to paying for young lonely men to talk all night on the phone to their girlfriends while their buddies chase raccoons around large empty buildings? Answer: Apparently. Thanks America. Your tax dollars once bought me the most beautiful bouquet of roses I've ever seen.