Saturday, October 22, 2005

Let's Let Mike Jones Take Care of Syria

According to Yahoo!, President Bush has told Condoleeza Rice to tell the U.N. to "convene a Security Council session 'as quickly as possible to deal with this very serious matter [Syria].'" Of course, those of us in the sane world are afraid this is just the first step towards another misguided neverending war. So, I'd like to suggest that, before we do anything rash, we let Mike Jones have a shot at diplomacy. What does Mike Jones have going for him that George Bush does not? Direct Communication Mike Jones is easy to reach by phone. He often wears a t-shirt with his phone number on it so that when people need to reach him, they can. George Bush has to tell Condi Rice to tell the U.N. to tell Syria to shape the fuck up. Image and Suaveness Mike Jones, if one believes his video for 'Flossin,' has a house full of beautiful women who all want his attention but who all also seem to get along just fine. George Bush is surrounded by a lot of women who seem devoted to him and who seem to get along fine, but... well... you know what I'm saying. Popularity Though both men are popular in their home state of Texas, their numbers in the rest of the country differ significantly. Mike Jones can boast a #3 debut on Billboard. George Bush's numbers ain't so great lately. True Down-Home-ness How bad did Mike Jones used to have it? "Befo' my paper came, befo' I got my fame/ These hoes* that's poppin on me now didn't even know my name." George Bush comes from a prominent political family. There have been Bush senators, vice-presidents, presidents, and governors. It's safe to say that any hoes poppin on the president have long been familiar with his name and, of course, there never was a moment before his paper came. Screwed, Pleasant or Not Mike Jones is one of the most prominent artists recording in the "chopped and screwed" style** developed by DJ Screw--in which songs are freakily slowed down and lyrics stretched out for effect. Fun. George Bush is a true innovator of the "chopped and screwed" method of war-making. Not fun. Race Relations Mike Jones likes white people. He even records with Paul Wall. George Bush, as we know, "doesn't care about black people." Though we failed to give ourselves all-new leadership, and since the President really needs to prove that he has some innovative ideas and that he doesn't not care about black people, I hope that we can, in this one instance, hand the diplomacy over to Mike Jones. * Please save the outrage about the misogyny in rap for someone who doesn't have to play "guess which pharmacist will let me have the drugs my doctor says I need." ** I just have to point out that the sexiest man in rap--Mr. Crump--has a chopped and screwed album, though that's neither here nor there.


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