Why Should I Remain Alone in my Distress?
For your edification, here are two images I'll never be able to erase from my memory.
- Plimco tells us about her sister's strange high-school greeting*.
- The Wayward Boy Scout makes me cry**.
*Or maybe this is just how Lutherans say hello. Who am I to judge?
**Just a little. I'm not a baby or anything.
posted by Aunt B at 1/30/2006 12:08:00 PM
19 Comments:
Miss J is going to be so pissed at me for making this public... Good thing she's in a different time zone.
I'm just feeling a little neglected as she's never tried to lick my tongue first thing upon seeing me.
Gross! Stop! Have you SEEN her tongue? It's big.
All right, ladies. This was just a special thing between me and Wilson the bug-man, and by making it public and making fun of it, you're just dissing on the beauty that was our bond. I can no longer talk to you....
Miss J
Awwww...come on. You can make fun of me and that effeminate boy I dated who walked on his tip toes and everyone called "tulips" behind his back.
Wait, wait. It's just that we're jealous. If you let us lick your tongue, we'll stop making fun.
Plimco, was that the kid with the hole in his butt?
B, there's no need to play coy with everyone. We have licked tongues once or twice in the past. Or have you forgotten our drunken shenanigans, including the infamous [baptist]U English Dept. grad student kissing contest?
And doesn't everyone have a hole in their butt? I'm confused.
J
What the fuck are you talking about, Aunt B? I'm laughing so hard people are asking me if I need a glass of water...
And who can blame you for wanting to smooch me? No one. I let you put on part of my Halloween costume and the next thing I know, we've got the kinds of pictures that would make the Wayward Boy Scout cry.
I'm just saying that I didn't realized that this kind of behavior was still acceptable or I'd have invited you to join me in my sickbed the last time I saw you.
No, this kid I'm thinking of had some kind of butt hunk missing, in addition to his regular hole. He was grouchy and from Murfreesboro and your dad didn't like him.
Of course dad didn't like him! Who would like a guy with a butt hunk missing??
J
This is so much more fun than grading papers....
Also, it occurs to me that, if I can work my sweet smooching magic on the Queen, I'll have a hat trick.
The guy with the shattered pelvis? Ike. Yeah, he shattered his pelvis when he wrecked his yellow VW micro bus. Pelvis/butt hunk. Same difference. I think he's addicted to chrystal meth now.
Has dad EVER liked anyone I brought home?
Aunt B, the Queen drunk dialed me the other night from a party where they were playing suck and blow and she was kissing women, so your hat trick is most certainly attainable...
I seem to recall that he had some hunk of his butt missing because I wanted to put a small votive candle in there. Hmm. Was I drunk? I must have been.
Well, shoot, that's good to know about the Queen. Funny, but good.
No, this kid I'm thinking of had some kind of butt hunk missing, in addition to his regular hole. He was grouchy and from Murfreesboro.
Yanno, there are several people in Murfreesboro who fit that description. I wonder if it has something to do with Davis Market.
That settles it. I'm getting the internet at home. I'm tired of missing out on these fun comment runs - and geez, I realize more and more how little I was let in on the childhood stories. I had no idea...I mean, it's funny as shit, but, wow. Guess I was too young?
Aunt B. Your hat trick is just a pint away. Suck and blow is one of my favorite, "Hey everybody! Let's pass my business card around the whole bar!" games. I've met more interesting people calling me at work that way.
Woo-hoo! I cannot wait for the day when I have smooched all three of you. Do I get a T-shirt or something that will let me gloat without seeming like I'm bragging?
Miss J will write you a love poem about parsley, The Queen will sing you a song in her underwear while burning sage in your bedroom, and I will construct a car for you out of thyme.
Forgot Rosemary. Hmmm...
Y'all will just have to whoop up another sister, I suppose.
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