Friday, February 10, 2006

It's Like Porn for Me

I love home improvement shows. It started when I was small, watching "This Old House" with my dad, and has now progressed to me sneaking every chance I get to watch HGTV. Show me big old mansions carefully refurbished by impossibly wealthy middle-aged gay men. Or a modest dining room painted by a single mother in some delicate faux finish. Can I see what that living room would look like in green? Hmm. Okay. What about blue? Oh, yes, that's very nice. Explain to me in concerned, but knowledgeable, tones the difficulty of wrapping brass gutters around a corner like that. Show me your workmen working away. Give me a close up on that roof. Can I see you cut through shingles to install a skylight? How will you keep the greenhouse from leaking? What kinds of counters will you put in the kitchen? Can a bathroom sink really be shaped like a large lily and still be practical? I cannot stop watching. And dreaming about what I would do with infinite funds, what kind of house I would buy and all the ways I would make it homey. I turn those shows on and it's like my brain shuts off and something primal engages with what appears on the screen. I have a place to live. And it's fine. But I can't give the stairwell a coat of very light rose. I can't tear everything in the bathroom out and start over. I can't put a fence around the backyard so that Mrs. Wigglebottom and I can go out and play without fear of either one of us being decapitated by her leash. And so I watch these shows with a kind of furtive fascination, both wanting so much to have an opportunity to actually need shows like this, and afraid it's never going to happen. Which also means that whenever I check over at the Wayward Boy Scout's to see how his floor is coming, I'm really not much better than the perverts who come to Tiny Cat Pants looking for "big tit fucking."

17 Comments:

Blogger Plimco said...

Shit, Aunt B. You know what I just realized? If we had a poor contest, I would totally win. I'm poorer than you. I can't afford cable.

2/10/2006 08:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Perv said...

Okay, if there's no big tit fucking here, could you please direct me to where it is? Anything involving shaved pussy also. Thanks.

2/10/2006 08:49:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

See, having a no-account brother to pay some of the bills does have its advantages.

2/10/2006 08:51:00 AM  
Anonymous perv said...

The other night, Larry King had a reunion of the cast of the "beloved sitcom" Growing Pains. You may be better off without cable.

2/10/2006 08:53:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Perv, I'm afraid you're on your own. Anyone who watches Larry King gets no aid from me.

2/10/2006 09:26:00 AM  
Blogger HUCK said...

My TV porn addictions:
Overhaulin', American Chopper, and Miami Ink.

There. I said it. It's like a tremendous weight has been lifted. I can finally move on.

2/10/2006 09:49:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

OOOooo. I love Miami Ink.

2/10/2006 09:56:00 AM  
Blogger Exador said...

Whereas I combine the two:

I go over to The Wayward BoyScout's looking for "big tit fucking".

Sadly, it's never there.

2/10/2006 10:04:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Perhaps because the Wayward Boy Scout has some antiquated notions of proper behavior and so fails to take full advantage of his opportunities.

Speaking broadly, of course.

2/10/2006 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger Exador said...

Does that mean, "Speaking like a broad?", cause I thought you feminists hated that word.

2/10/2006 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger Um...why? said...

While not exactly porn for me, since buying my first house in November, I've drifted away from sports and science shows to watch a bit of HGTV myself, that and the DIY network. It is amazing what some people can do, unfortunately my budget doesn't support most of it and what it does support, when I see it on there, it looks like crap.

As for the afore mentioned large breast fornication, well, I just wanna see the freckle...that’s all.

2/10/2006 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

No, it's a little known loophole that, if you're a charming enough man, you can use any slang for women that sounds like it came from a World War II movie--broad, dame, toots, etc.--and we won't stab you in the eye with a fork.

Obviously, with a penalty that severe, you'd better be sure you're damn charming.

David, I also noticed this morning that I have a delightfully cute toe freckle.

2/10/2006 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger Exador said...

Thanks, toots. You're one hot tomato.

2/10/2006 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger W said...

Well we had some cooter talk over at my new blog yesterday....

2/10/2006 11:10:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

W., not nearly enough cooter talk for my tastes.

Boy Scout, oh how I wish you lived close enough to whisper all your home repair plans softly in my ear.

2/10/2006 11:19:00 AM  
Blogger Um...why? said...

I dig toes too.....

2/10/2006 12:27:00 PM  
Blogger W said...

Sorry B. I don't know that much about cooters. I'll look into it. Any specific aspects of the cooter I should discuss?

2/10/2006 02:11:00 PM  

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