Saturday, March 25, 2006

Women, You Too Can Join Our Disorganization

Bridgett had this brilliant idea that we should form some kind of anti-DAR, for those of us women from less than proud lineages who might want to band together to commiserate and, I presume, drink beer. In general, I think the only requirement to join such an organization, which would, by definition, be a disorganization is that you come from a family that makes you carefully consider how you'd ever explain them to your co-workers. But I thought that some of you might need a handy quiz in order to decide if you should join. So, here goes: Family 1. Count the number of children in your family conceived out of wedlock. (+1 for each of them) 2. A relative named "Bubba" or "Bub"? (+10) 3. Relatives who have two names, like Betty Anne or Billy Joe or Mary-Margaret? (+5) 4. The names in your family have a theme, like beginning with the letter "B" or all the girls sharing the same first or middle name or the boys all having Biblical names (+5) 5. Folks in your family have made up names like Kayden or Latrell (+5) 6. Give yourself five points for every living generation of your kin. 7. Give yourself a point for every "relative" you have that's not really related to you, but comes around so much everyone just calls him Uncle Jimmy or Aunt Sally or whatever. 8. Your mom and her sister married brothers (+10) 9. Your mom and dad are step-siblings (+25) 10. Ten points for every relative living with you. Money 1. You make more right now than your dad did the whole time you were a kid. (+10) 2. And you have a job that doesn't pay that well. (+10) 3. And you feel really, really guilty about it. (+5) 4. It's just assumed that the more successful people in your family will give money to the less successful (+5) 5. You win $100 million in the lottery. What do you do? a. Take your loved ones to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. (-25) b. Take your family to Red Lobster to celebrate. (+5) c. Red Lobster was your idea of a fancy restaurant. (+25) d. Buy your momma a real house. (+10) e. Don't tell anyone in your family because you know the second your dad finds out, he'll tell your uncle who will tell your cousins and the next thing you know you'll have thirty people showing up at your door looking for handouts (+50). Education 1. You're the first person in your family to go to college (+50) 2. You're among the first generation of people in your family to go to college (+25) 3. You're the first person in your family to graduate from high school. (+75) 4. You were pregnant or already a mother before you finished school. (+20) 5. You went to school with your cousins (+5) 6. Your high school was in the same building as the grade school (+5) Religion 1. One point for every preacher in your family. 2. One point for every Bible in your home. 3. Your family belongs to a church on the FBI watch-list (+30) Illegal, Semi-Legal, and Unpopular Activities 1. A point for every gun in your family. 2. A point for every scary dog. 3. A point for every hunting dog. 4. Ten points if there's more than twelve beers in your fridge right now. 5. Twenty points if there's moonshine in your house. 6. Someone in your family grows his own pot (+10) 7. Cooks his own meth (+25) 8. Shops at Walmart, happily (+25) 9. Works at Walmart (+30) 10. Works at Walmart for access to the pseudoephedrine (+40) 11. Five points for everyone in your family sitting in jail right now. 12. Go ahead and give yourself five points if you thought about calling down to the jail and asking the sheriff for an accurate head-count. 13. You can trace your ancestry back to a penal colony (+20) 14. Your family has ever been run out of town (+20) 15. When you see a police car in your neighborhood, your first thought automatically is that someone you know is going to jail (+30) Whoo. Well, I could go on, but I'm out of funny things to say and I think you get the point. If you've scored more than 300, you're welcome in the club. If you didn't, well, don't be too hard on yourself. There's still plenty of time for folks in your family to fuck up.

10 Comments:

Blogger Peggasus said...

Can I get 20 points for having a case of beer in my fridge? And I'm pretty sure there's a Bible around here somewhere.

Shit. I suck at this.

You and your damned cliques.

3/25/2006 05:57:00 PM  
Blogger bridgett said...

322! I got an unholy bump from tabulating bastards, preachers, and firearms.

But there needs to be some sort of question about how one defines "family" -- because I doubt anyone who thinks about family as mom/dad/kids
only would qualify. It's several generations of people stretching out to at least the second cousin once removed level (because we really do keep track and are expected to know and care about all of them), and animals, and probably specific places as well.

And the Bubba question is too narrow. I have a Boo, a Rocky, a Duck, two Junebugs (both men), two Shuggs (both men), a Spave, and a bunch of other oddball non-names that people go by when they're not in front of the judge.

3/25/2006 06:59:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Peg, you have diplomatic immunity with your Ambassador of Food-ship! You don't need to have any points, you just need to know how to make shit on a shingle and you're totally in.

Bridgett--Hmm. Good points. Families definitely must include as many folks as you can think of, animals, places, and kids your kids dragged home enough times that you forgot they weren't related somehow.

And, shoot, if you have a Junebug in your family, you should automatically get in, whether or not you want to.

3/25/2006 07:18:00 PM  
Blogger newscoma said...

I have a Bubba in my family, a case of beer in my fridge, a bible, lived in a trailer in college where my roommate always got drunk and spilled macaroni and cheese on herself in the bed (okay it was me once) and my sister and her two children have boy's names because my dad was really pissed he couldn't call her junior so he modified her name to match his.

3/26/2006 06:08:00 AM  
Blogger W said...

Can I come drink beer with y'all? Sounds like it would be fun.

3/26/2006 08:19:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Of course. If guys don't show up, who will we moon?

3/26/2006 09:21:00 PM  
Blogger saraclark said...

I scored a (-)because I came from a bunch of educated female elitists. But the Klan burned a cross on my Great-Grandparents yard and continued to break and destroy our family grave markers up until the late 1960's (Irish-Catholic-Overeducated-Communists). Do I get points for that?

My Dad still makes the distinction between the neighbors that are decendents of those Klan members and the ones that aren't.

3/27/2006 09:07:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Well, we're very disorganized as far as organizations go, so if you're willing to show up with food and good stories, we'll welcome you happily.

Your Klan story is awesome.

3/27/2006 09:14:00 AM  
Blogger saraclark said...

I do cook from time to time and I can drink with the best of them (bless my mick heritage). Beer is always good and the adventures start when you add tequila.

We spent my sister's 30th Birthday party shouting "Show us your ass" to strangers and we saw a surprising amount of booty. I think that should be the disorganized's motto. It fits the requirements and there is always the side-benefit(or full frontal benefit) of male nudity.

3/27/2006 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

"Show us your ass" is the greatest motto for a group ever.

3/27/2006 05:31:00 PM  

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