Monday, February 28, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Speaking of Conspiracy Theories
Friday, February 25, 2005
Things to do while I'm gone
Thursday, February 24, 2005
A Top Five
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
The Candy Machine
Stonehenge--the Cheesy Show
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
The Problem with Cars
Monday, February 21, 2005
Most People Don't Want Change; They Want Exchange
The Recalcitrant Brother
Sunday, February 20, 2005
What kind of music do you like?
Friday, February 18, 2005
My Day with Annie Sprinkle
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Tennessee--We put the TeeHee in State Politics
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The Bulldog Breeds
Monday, February 14, 2005
Southern Diet Frustrates Health Officials
Dear Gwen Stefani
Sunday, February 13, 2005
The Luck Discussion, pt. 1
The Luck Discussion, pt. 2
The Luck Discussion, pt. 3
The Luck Discussion, pt. 4
The Luck Discussion, pt. 5
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Friday, February 11, 2005
The System for Bickering
- Where's the fucking rent?
- Where's the money you promised me last week?
- You took my car and didn't put any gas in it, jackass.
- Your cat threw up in the kitchen.
- Your cat peed in the dryer, again.
- Dad wants to talk to you and he knows you're using the caller id to avoid him and so he's bugging me at work.
- Why is the [pick a strange thing, like "the kitchen" or "the outside of the front door"] covered in [pick a sticky substance, like "honey" or "grape jelly"]?
- Take the dog out.
- I did it last time, it's your turn.
- You're going out again?
- Why don't we ever hang out anymore?
- Don't smoke on the couch. I fucking mean it.
- Come to the [pick an interesting place, like "the park" or "the zoo"] with me. Come on.
- Put your garbage in the garbage can, not on the kitchen counter. There's no place in the kitchen from which you cannot reach the garbage can, so no excuses.
- Did you buy cookies?
- Is your cat tearing up [insert important item here, such as "the phone bill" or "your tax return" or "that man's hat"]?
- Don't use my car as your garbage can.
- My car is not your used CD bin.
- Turn off the computer.
- Pick your shit up off the back porch.
Hmm. Actually, listing the twenty things I say over and over to the Butcher has given me a fabulous idea. What if I lined my car in garbage bags, left the windows down, and parked it out back? Would the Butcher find himself unable to resist the urge to throw his kitchen garbage in my car? Would this keep the kitchen cleaner?
I've already decided that, if the Butcher isn't going to clean up the cat food that his cat scarfs down and then throws back up, I'm not going to tell him when the dog eats it and runs upstairs to lick him.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
The Kind of Guy I'd Accidentally Marry While Drunk
- He's a cutey in that goofy but burley way.
- He's covering a Hank Jr. song and we all know that I'm an absolute sucker for Hank Jr.
- According to his website, he's a Midwestern boy.
- He used to be a state trooper! I wonder if he still has his hat... Sweet Jesus, what a bad idea it would be for there to be an officer of the law in our family! Egad. We'd have to build a cell in our living room to keep my brothers in.
- His video appears to be, in part, just a taping of karaoke night at some honky-tonk bar.
- He has a cute little shrugging smirk that would be endearing at first but drive me to violence after about three weeks.
- Normally, I don't like it when videos work against the point of the song. Like Rhonda Vincent's video for "If Heartaches Had Wings," which is one of the most devastating songs you'll ever here about being trapped in the marriage folks expected you to make. In the song, the speaker is not going anywhere, but in the video, she gets in her car and leaves. The video lacks the guts the song has.
But, in Schlegel's video, as he's been drinking throughout the whole thing, he pulls up to his home in his tour bus and his cute little woman looks out the window and sees him coming and she runs to the kitchen and takes a big swig of something out of a little brown bottle and it's just a nod to the fact that she's probably singing "It Takes a Whole Lotta Liquor to Like Him" at some other karaoke night.