Last Minute Stuff

Okay, America, behave yourself. Middle Tennessee, be sure to check out the Southern Festival of Books. I'd be there if I could and it's good fun. Midwesterners, I'm coming at you. I'll be the cute girl in the Tiny Cat Pants t-shirt, well, unless the Super Genius is wearing hers today, then you have a fifty-fifty shot of it being me. I'll be driving I-57 and, if the Super Genius is headed to Bloomington this early, she'll be on I-55. Let that be your guide. Professor, the big dog treats are on top of the fridge. The little dog treats are on the kitchen table. I put some in a bag if you want to take them with you when you go out. Yes, the dog chews the sheets. No, I don't know why. If you don't catch her, she'll leave a slobbery wet spot right where you want to sleep. Very gross. Sorry I didn't vacuum, but the vacuum smells very bad, like something burning from straight out of Hell. The dishes in the dishwasher are clean, or should be by the time you get here. Just stack your dirty stuff in the sink. I left you that chicken shit from the other night in the fridge. Remember, when you go to nuke it that my microwave is a refuge from the flood of 93 and sometimes won't actually work. Just slam the door harder. There's no beer, but there's tequila in the freezer. I threw out the lime, though. At least, I'm assuming that used to be a lime. The Redheaded kid is also supposed to check in on the dog. He drives a red car, so don't be alarmed if you see one in front of the house. You can take him as a lover, if you want. He's legal now. Just be gentle with him; he's got a heart condition. Put food in the bowls when they're empty. The cats can be in or out depending on their preference. They both bite for fun, so watch your hands. The dog will growl at things. Don't be alarmed. I think that's everything. You know how to get me if you need me. Thanks so much. Elias, yes, I do love to tell everyone what to do. Don't even start with me.