Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I Have Questions

As you may recall, I owe Sarcastro thirty nine billion dollars. He's been lording it over me for months now, but finally, we've arranged a repayment plan. For starters, last night, we went to the Army/Navy Surplus Store and then I took him out for dinner*. As a result, I have some questions: 1. No grenades? No spare cotter pins laying around? No enemy skulls? Surplus what, then? Long johns? 2. Isn't there some OSHA rule against having someone without steel-toed boots moving around construction equipment? Especially if that someone is in her brand-new work shoes? 3. How in the hell has Sarcastro made it to his advanced age without being stabbed by some enraged woman? Can dimples really protect a man for 40 years? 4. Is there some mathematical rule, whereby if you take the length of the buffet in feet and divide it by the number of people sitting in the restaurant and, if you come up with a whole number larger than say 1, you should flee? 5. Eh, let's face it. This was a lot funnier when I was thinking it through walking the dog this morning. I had a tangentially grueling day yesterday where a guy I don't really know died and everyone he knew called me to tell me. Very considerate on their parts, but I started to think that maybe they didn't have a funeral for him or something, because I spent the better part of my day on the phone listening to very old folks with that "proper" Southern accent that lets you know that they're of a certain age and that they went to college, talk very lovingly about a man they were devastated to lose. By the end of the day, I was sad the world had lost him, too. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy, both from my interactions with him, and from the things his people have told me about him. And it seems that so few of us know how to be good to each other and to ourselves, it kind of bums me out that someone who seems to have had that figured out died so unexpectedly. *No, he didn't suddenly crumble to dust when I whipped out my wallet. But I, too, wondered if he would.

7 Comments:

Blogger Exador said...

He has had women point guns at him. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than attempted stabbing.

12/06/2005 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

What? I'm cheated out of all the good stories. I have to learn how to ask better questions.

12/06/2005 11:50:00 AM  
Anonymous Sarcastro said...

B, I told you about my ex-wife. I just left that story out.

Can you really say I've been "lording it over" you? Isn't that a phrase you have reserved exclusively for your new bra?

They used to have dummy grenades there, but as they are close to Vandy, they have shifted their focus to long underwear.

You moved a saw from the passenger seat to the bed of the truck. Call the authorities on me. They will laugh at you and your new shoes.

Guns have been pointed, but to my credit, never fired at me.

I'm not sure about the algorithim you suggest, other than I couldn't wait to get to the bathroom after dropping you off. But that may have just been you and not the Chinese food.

12/06/2005 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Or, it could have been just regular old man incontinence. As William of Ockham reminds us, why look for the implausible (that I could make any man sick to his stomache) when the plausible (that you're just old) sufficiently explains things?

12/06/2005 12:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Sarcastro said...

Ya know, the gubmint thought flying an airliner into a building was implausible, too. What you call implausible, I call highly likely.

Either that, or Chef Yang got a 50 on his last health inspection.

12/06/2005 12:18:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

I kind of wished I could throw up when I got home last night, so I'm pretty sure we should just cross that place off our lists of acceptible eating establishments. Which is too bad, because I love those little doughy things covered in sesame seeds.

12/06/2005 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger Exador said...

I'd rather shave with Ockham's razor than paint Gabriel's horn.

12/06/2005 01:05:00 PM  

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