Friday, November 12, 2004

The Family Disfunction Scavenger Hunt

See if you can locate these sore spots the next time you have dinner with our family!
  • Someone nags the Butcher about not going back to college.
  • Someone mentions how much weight they've lost or how much weight someone else needs to lose.
  • Someone insinuates that someone else could find a significant other if only he or she went to church.
  • Someone insinuates that someone else could find a significant other if only he or she changed ___________ about him or herself.
  • 5 bonus points if both of the above are taken care of in the same sentence.
  • Someone takes someone else aside to snidely comment about how "we all know how so-and-so [who is either in the bathroom or outside for a second] is."
  • Someone falls asleep on the couch in the middle of the meal.
  • Whoever is asleep refuses to actually sleep in an available bed because she or he might miss out on something.
  • Someone burps.
  • Someone burps and is proud of it.
  • Someone farts.
  • Someone blames the dog for the fart.
  • Someone describes their sister-in-law as a "crack whore."
  • Someone extols the virtues of Michigan potatoes over all others.
  • Someone tries to or succeeds in making someone else do something that he or she is entirely capable of doing. Bonus points if it's something like asking the person farthest from the fridge to get the milk.
  • Someone answers the phone and proceeds to have a long conversation with whoever is on the other end in front of everyone else. Bonus points if the caller has actually called for someone else. Extra bonus points if the phone answerer hangs up when he or she is done talking instead of handing the phone over to the intended receiver.
  • My dad, who is a fine cook, inexplicably leaves out one vital ingredient from what would have otherwise been a perfectly fine dish, i.e. the tomato sauces-less lasagna he hoisted upon the Shill.
  • My dad describes something as tasting "like candy" or "melting in your mouth" when it could not be less like candy--most likely some kind of meat, but may also describe the stuffing.
  • My dad adds brown sugar to something in order to make it taste more "German." Beware, the brown sugar might be added to anything, from the turkey to the potatoes to the beans to the dressing.
  • One point for every time my mom tells you a story she just finished telling you a half an hour ago.
  • 50 points if she asks if she's related to you.

Any other suggestions for the Family Disfunction Scavenger Hunt can be left in the comments.


Blogger the Professor said...

Just so that I do feel at home, I am going to add some that might be easy to get there. If I also score points at your house, we'll have more evidence of the commonality of midwestern values and behaviors.

Someone calls someone else by the name of the rare (but quite funny) disease they had years ago.
Someone buys the wrong brand of rolls or cake or whatever is on the menu that requires perfect adherence to tradition and everyone complains and refuses to eat the item.
Someone tries to cancel the Christmas grabbag.
5 bonus points if more than 4 people side with its demise.
Someone suggests remodeling plans that we all know "the head of household" doesn't want.
People applaud with pride (or groan with shame at the lack of volume) when someone burps.

11/12/2004 01:06:00 PM  
Blogger The Corporate Shill said...

1. Ask for someone to "Pass the ________" and score points in they say "Would you like that express?" and pretend to throw it. 25 bonus points in they throw it, and 25 more if you catch it.
2. Someone puts you on the spot to ask you horribly personal questions that you would never dream of answering, much less in front of your entire family e.g. how much money are you making at your new job? How much money did you put down on your house? What is your checking account balance?
3. Someone insinuates that your priorities are out of whack because you have seen fit to live your life slightly different than how they have chosen to live theirs. Never mind the impracticalities and sheer dullness of such a thing.
4. Someone says something to the effect of "Oh, that's right, you didn't change your name did you? It's still Ms. Corporate Shill, not Mrs. Corporate Legal Eagle.
5. Someone starts a sentence with "I don't want to talk politics BUT (insert inflammatory comment on controversial subject of choice)"
6. Someone gets super drunk and proves "in vino veritas"

11/12/2004 04:55:00 PM  
Blogger The Corporate Shill said...

- More points for accusing a random family member of being a drunk, a whore or something else that is unsubstantiated but likely true but what does it matter since the accuser is too much of a coward to say it to their face.
- One point if someone makes a racist joke and five points if at least two members of my family laugh uncomfortably. Subtract 5 points if somebody tells them off for the joke.

11/12/2004 05:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who is this Sheik Biran?

11/13/2004 01:37:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Who is the Sheik Biran? Who is anyone? Who am I and why am I here? Does the Sheik also wonder why he's here? Or there, as the case may be?

It's all quite philosophical. Maybe there's something to that.

11/13/2004 11:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the big money (no whammies) 20 points if someone makes derogatory comments about the highly dysfunctional side of the family not in attendance and they call within five minutes of those comments. Or, slight variation, 20 points if someone makes such comments just before another party returns to the room and suggests we call the crazy relatives since "it is the holidays."

Or, at my house, the repressed stoic no emotional outbursts, please we're Scandinavian and Lutheran lightening round (1 point each):

-people play along with the unreasonable demands of a spoiled member of the family just to keep the peace

-any sentence that begins, "_____ is nice, but..." and ends "...that's just my opinion."

-multiple people create agendas and standards so rigid they are destined for failure, but create the agendas so that nothing can go wrong

-everybody thinks about a topic but not one talks about it

-or the topic is discussed in low voices in corners in small groups

-adult drinks are offered to those who have married in or come as guests but not the original kids since the kids can't drink even if the kids are middle aged or almost there

-couples that have lived together for several years must sleep in separate bedrooms because they aren't married

But, in my family, we forgive anything and will practically adopt you as long as you join us in the balls to the wall, all go no quit, sudden death, we don't mind drawing blood like on Christmas of '88, scream until you loose your voice, scare the dogs with your rabid behavior, knock over the chair and your sibling if it gets you the trade faster Pit games. Of course, don't call it that because no one in the SuperGenius clan would actually say balls. My goodness gracious!

Which reminds me...anybody in the midwest got a pit deck I can borrow? And some serving bowls? And some napkins without offensive sayings? And an electric knife? And the spelling of that wine that starts with a g that you have with turkey? And a pre-cooked turkey? (Oh wait - nevermind and bless you jewel osco) And a crash course in how to be an organized hostess? And some valium? And a little more of that wine?

Yep, it is DIY thanksgiving at chez supergenius. And everything will be just fine no matter what long as I can get my hands on a pit deck. And maybe a crash helmet. :)

-The Super(Corner on flax! And wish me luck scrubbing all the floors)Genius

11/15/2004 10:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also, someone burps and says, "Wait a second. I've got a better one on the way."

And, a personal favorite since I can't do it, someone burps a word.


11/15/2004 10:58:00 AM  
Blogger The Corporate Shill said...

Anybody else have an uncle who would preface a fart with "Hark! I hear geese?"

11/16/2004 12:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nope, we never had that but I think I might have to use that do you want it express thing this year. I'm sure my family will want to thank the Corporate Shill/Legal Eagle family profusely for that one.

Also, I wanted to add:
-the dog actually does fart, but it gets blamed on the person in the family most likely to be embarassed or the person that has already blamed the dog excessively


11/16/2004 02:39:00 PM  

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