Thursday, December 02, 2004

Dolf Lundgren

I love Dolf Lundgren. I have since his stint as an evil robot in Universal Soldier (though, to be fair, he pretty much plays some kind of robot in all his movies, because the boy cannot act). Tall, handsome, brilliant... I just can't resist him. However, yesterday, as we were laying on the new green couch, we caught one of his movies--The Peacekeeper--which also starred, I swear, Montel Williams. The movie was as craptastic as one might expect from Showtime in the afternoon, and Dolf's acting was... well, wooden and forced (though his American accent is coming along nicely), just as one would hope, and the special effects were appropriately ridiculous. It should have been a great time. But, boys and girls, often in the movie, Dolf was called on to run dramatically and, whoa, he runs so hilariously that the Butcher and I thought it was a joke at first. I don't know if I can salvage my Dolf Lundgren love unless the Shill immediately explains that holding your arms stiffly at your side, as if you are made out of Legos, and not moving your thighs, but only flailing your shins rapidly back and forth, is somehow conducive to speed. The man has a black belt in Karate and a master's degree in chemical engineering. How can he run like such a doofus? How can I have never noticed before? But speaking of hilariously craptastic movies, perhaps you've seen the ads for The Librarian: Quest for the Spear. Yes, they've made an action adventure movie starring a librarian. As if that weren't stretching things just a little, the TNT website explains that the 30 year old librarian has been kicked out of school after earning 22 degrees. I just want to say that I know quite a few of you who are 30 and have yet to earn more than three. Y'all better step up if you want a movie inspired by you. But that got me thinking about movies that might be inspired by your lives. The Corporate Shill: Quest for a Drunken Evening with the In-Laws The Super Genius Uses her Law Degree to Sue the Makers of 'The Librarian.' The Sheik: 30 Countries, 30 Nights, 30 Girls The Professor: The Curse of the Fuzzy Sweater The Butcher and the Stinky Couch Mrs. Wigglebottom Goes for a Walk Miss J and her Lover a film by Peter Greenaway The Importance of Being the Divine Ms. B. Ha, okay, maybe those are funny only to me.


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