Thursday, December 22, 2005

I (Heart) TV on the Fritz

Joey Fritz Lang over at TV on the Fritz says I have a granite vagina*. I'm not sure what that means, except that maybe he thinks I'm easy to keep clean and look great in a kitchen. But every once in a while, I feel compelled to have some kind of navel-gazing "What the fuck is Tiny Cat Pants doing anyway?" post. I worry that I really don't know. And then along comes Joey Fritz and sums it up so nicely:
To hear the meandering tales of Mrs. Wigglebottom and The Butcher, the whole wonderfully constructed cast of characters. Oh mama. I'm coming in my pants just thinking about her blog. She's like David Sedaris only less gay.
Here's the part I especially like--"meandering tales" and "whole wonderfully constructed cast of characters." Yep, that's exactly it. I want you to read this and get a sense of what it must be like to sit next to me at a bar or across from me at the dinner table. I want you to care a little bit about the people I care a lot about. I want to take our ordinary moments and put a little shine on them. And I'm glad that's coming across. That makes me happy. *Edited to add that Fritz also apparently thinks I might fuck him up the ass. I don't know. He's young, but what the hell? It's not like he's looking to marry me. Let's put it in the "Up for Consideration" column.

I have to admit, though, that it puts me in a bit of a quandary. Not many of you know, but I have a Gay List, a list of all of the people who will never sleep with me, no matter what, and that list is comprised basically of gay men and a handful of libertarians.

Of course, the libertarians have complained. "Why can't it be the Gay and Libertarian list?" they ask, to which I reply, "Because I'm holding out hope that one day I will meet a libertarian who wants to fuck me." To which they reply, "I doubt it because you're crazy." To which I say, "Crazy? Oh, that's very nice. Yet another reason the Gay List's name is not getting changed. Maybe if you weren't so entrenched in your heteronormative ways, the name of the list wouldn't be such a big deal. Patriarchal Jackass." "Insane feminist." Etc., etc. You see how I fight with them. You know how it goes.

But never in my life had I considered the possibility that any gay men might want off the Gay List. Here is my list of men I can have flirty fun with and know that the line between what's going to happen and what's not going to happen is clear and bright and we can have all kinds of fun over on this side of the line and never have to worry about anyone taking it the wrong way. And now? And now here's this young upstart who's gone and fucked up my system.

It's about more than a girl can handle. Do I just have to give up and change it to the Libertarian list? The Libertarian and 99.9% of Gay Men list? What to do?


Blogger bridgett said...

Granite vagina? I think that's the female equivalent of brass balls...

12/22/2005 11:47:00 AM  
Blogger Margo, darling said...

Aunt B,
I have to tell you, at first I thought you were crazy, but I couldn't help skimming your blog anyway. Now I skim the blog because you *are* crazy, but only in the way that most sane, smart, perceptive people with perspective are crazy--stuff just happens, stuff you couldn't make up even if you wanted to, and you just tell it like it is, with some wry commentary. If I were in your neighborhood, I'd build a bar, just so you'd come sit next to me and regale me with stories of your peeps. You make my day, day after day. kisses, Margo

12/22/2005 12:05:00 PM  
Blogger TVonthefritz said...

It's Fritz Lang, dammit!

12/22/2005 02:19:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

I've fixed it. But now I'll have to crush you with my tits of steel.

12/22/2005 02:25:00 PM  
Blogger TVonthefritz said...

That's better. Seriously, I should drop the online aspirations of alter-ego-dom. Maybe you'll be able to write with your vagina.

12/22/2005 03:39:00 PM  
Blogger harvestbird said...

When did someone's being crazy become a good reason not to sleep with them?

12/22/2005 09:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fritz, try not to distract B with any new vagina tricks until she perfects the ping pong ball one.


12/23/2005 09:45:00 PM  

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