Not that You Asked Me

Mr. Roboto--or I guess the Ghost of Mr. Roboto--points out today that All the Rage, the corporate alternative to our alternative corporate newspaper, now has an advice column. And, wow, does it stink. Ladies, there probably could not be a shittier advice columnist than Terrance Dean and yet, there he is getting paid to give you advice. Well, let me give you a bit of free advice--whatever he says, don't do it. Let's take this gem from yesterday. So, Normal in Nashville writes that her fiance dumped her because her vagina is too large. She writes specifically that "It takes me a long time to orgasm, but I do, especially when he touches me in the way that I ask." What does Dean tell her? That she should have worked harder to please him in bed. Yes, you read that right. His inability to give her an orgasm is some kind of punishment for her not using her psychic powers to discern that he needed more variety in their sex life. Mr. Dean, let's just talk frankly here, you and me. Look at that sentence that I quoted: it takes the woman a long time to orgasm, but she does "especially when he touches me in the way that I ask." You don't have to be a genius to see what the problem is. Her fiance doesn't know what the hell he's doing. All the skimpy negligees, all the lunchtime trysts, all the unpredictable stuff in the world isn't going to solve the problem that her man sucks in bed and that, rather suck it up and do what it takes to bring her to orgasm, he blames her vagina for his problems. So, don't be blaming her even more, like she just wasn't trying hard enough. She just fucking told you she has trouble coming to orgasm purely through vaginal intercourse and that, if her man touched her how she asked (i.e. played with her clit), she could come. Who's at fault here? Her? Or her idiot fiance who couldn't let go of his ego enough to do what made her happy, but instead blamed her anatomy for his poor performance. Here's the advice poor Normal in Nashville should have gotten: 1. Masturbate. Often and with various techniques. If you don't know with great certainty what makes you orgasm, you'll have a hard time communicating to your partners what you need them to do. 2. Talk to your partners about what you need during sex with a lot of positive reinforcement. Yes, yes, yes. More. Like that but lower. Whatever. 3. Check in with your doctor to make sure everything's working how it should. She will probably recommend some Kegel exercises, even if everything else checks out okay. 4. You look that sorry-assed excuse for a coward--who would ask you to marry him and then not have the balls to go through with it because he can't bring himself to pleasure you in bed--right in the face and say "It's not that my vagina is too big. Clearly, your penis is too small." Then call all your friends and tell them. Mention it to your hair dresser. Get a shirt made at Cafepress that says "My ex-fiance has the tiniest penis ever. " And don't feel bad about it for a second. You're better off without that fucktard.