Thursday, December 15, 2005

Walmart, How I Hate You

Let me count the ways:
  1. The jackass in the Cavalier who came speeding the wrong way down the row and tried to swing around in some suave manner into the parking spot right in front of me. A., Ha, ha, fucker. A Cavalier can't maneuver that suavely. B. That was the last parking spot in the row. You were in a hurry to get to that?
  2. The jackass in the cream Toyota truck also speeding the wrong way up the row.
  3. I had to park one million miles away and hitch a ride on the back of a distracted, overworked mother.
  4. Old people on those motorized scooters blocking up the aisles like they think they're fucking semi-trucks keeping jackasses from cutting in line. We're in an aisle. Just because you need to stop and compare prices on pot holders doesn't oblige the rest of us to wait for you.
  5. Teenagers using Walmart as some kind of dating service. "I need some service, Darnell." No, sweetie, you need a better pickup line, because Darnell is walking quickly in the other direction.
  6. No, I don't want your Barbie crap. You don't have to grab onto it like fucking Gollum and glare at me when I go by.

On a happier note, my cashier was utterly competent and got me checked out quickly. And I thought Darnell's hair was cute as hell. A lot of the kids seem to be wearing their hair like Sean Paul, but it looks much better on them, because they're tall and lanky and those long braids look better on tall lanky kids.


Blogger Exador said...

Down, Mrs Robinson.

There's a SUPER Walmart near my house. I defy anyone to go there and not come out a bigot. Every bad stereotype is represented in spades.

1.) The mexican woman with 15 kids, all under the age of 5, blocking the aisle.

2.) The overdone black woman, talking on her cell phone while blocking the aisle.

3.) The clueless, old asian woman, wandering like she's in a fog. Also blocking the aisle.

4.) The 300 lb white trash woman babbling incessantly to her bored husband while blocking the aisle.

5.) The angry white man. Me.

12/15/2005 08:56:00 PM  
Blogger SuperGenius said...

Had I been there, I would have tried to convince you that the universe required us to wrestle that Barbie stuff away just so we could look at it all disinterested and give it back.

12/15/2005 09:32:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Well, Boy Scout, if I could talk any of you legal-age men into doing naughty things, I wouldn't have to go hunting around for young boys to train up. So, really, it's y'all's fault.

Super Genius, you crack me up.

12/15/2005 09:59:00 PM  
Blogger Kat Coble said...

So its not Wal-Mart you hate, but the prototypical Wal-Mart Clientele, no?

Personally, I think that Wal-Mart's store design (stacked high with crap) encourages people to act like animals. So I blame them in part. But yes, truly the clientele ruin what should be a largely innocuous shopping trip every time.

12/15/2005 10:12:00 PM  
Anonymous indifferent children said...

With your disdain for those heartland commoners, you sound like one of those elitist Democratic Party Leaders I keep hearing about. Which coast are you from?

12/16/2005 06:58:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

I don't know if you mean Miss Kitty or me, so I'll just point out that we're from the coast from which you can always see the amber waves of grain.

Our hatred of Walmart is not born out of our distain for "those" kinds of people, but our deep and abiding hatred of what Walmart has made our people into (plus a healthy fear that we might someday have to work there).

If you're ragging on Exador--yeah, he's totally from the east coast.

12/16/2005 07:04:00 AM  
Blogger Kat Coble said...

With your disdain for those heartland commoners, you sound like one of those elitist Democratic Party Leaders I keep hearing about. Which coast are you from?

That was a good, snide comment. I'm from Indiana. The only "coast" in my life is riding a bike downhill. Nevertheless, I echo what B said.

Wal-Mart's philosophies of store design and pricing encourage people to be wasteful (who is going to eat a gallon jar of pickles before they go bad?) and act like caged animals.

I used to work for that company. And then spent many years as a key vendor. I know for a FACT that they plan it that way very carefully. They want people to come into the store, feel surrounded by things and lulled into a sense of urgency and comfort in purchasing. Wal-Mart intends very carefully on price point and product placement driving up their sales. Years ago an internal poll showed that more than 70% of people who came into a Wal-Mart left with one to three hundred percent more than they came in for and spent many times more than they had planned. It's all part of the classic Walton MindFuck.

They KNOW their stores turn people into self-centered animals. They like it that way. So when we point it out (I'm an elitist Libertarian Asshole), I fail to see how that makes it OUR problem.....

12/16/2005 09:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Sarcastro said...

I find myself plotting ethnic cleansing and crimes against humanity while shopping in Wal-Mart. I find myself praying to Allah for an Al-Qaeda attack when I'm there. Hopefully a nerve agent that even if it doesn't kill the intended targets, it leaves them sterile.

Say what you want about Wal-Mart's contribution to our trade deficit, labor practices and economic impact on small town America, there real evil lies in how they turn ordinary citizens into maniacal supervillians with murderous dreams.

12/16/2005 09:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Sarcastro said...

And by "there", I mean "their".

12/16/2005 09:40:00 AM  
Blogger frostine99 said...

O, Wal-Mart! I have grieved its loss ever since I moved up the eastern seaboard. In the summer I took what was supposed to be a relaxing vacation in rural Maine, and before we left I did a store search for the nearest Wal-Mart (30 minutes away) and made us go TWICE.

Now I'm ashamed.

12/16/2005 12:11:00 PM  
Blogger grandefille said...

My infant niece has the right idea. When she's taken to Walmart, she shrieks until they have to leave and go elsewhere.

She does not have this reaction at ANY OTHER retailer. And they have taken her to different Walmarts, too.

Kroger, Aldi, Publix, Kmart, Target, etc. -- she's all "La la la la la, you can't resist The Cute, la la la." Not a harsh sound from door to cart and back again.

I think I'm going to buy her one of those "Someday a Woman Will Be President!" shirts that gave the Walton heirs such fits several years ago and let her wear it anytime they go near the store. Hee.

12/17/2005 04:57:00 PM  

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