Sunday, October 02, 2005

Political Party

Kat, that ivory-billed woodpecker of the Libertarian Party, has a lovely diagram showing just where she falls on the political spectrum. Since many liberals have problems with numbers, charts, and graphs, I thought I'd take a stab at using a story to illustrate political differences. Let's say there's a party and everyone is invited. There would be quite a few women in the kitchen getting things ready. Some of those conservative blonde talking heads would be standing around in the living room knocking back martinis while talking about how 'freeing' it is for women to know their places and work in the kitchen. There would be a number of liberal women who would be disagreeing, but would also be hoping no one knew they'd brought a casserole. There would be a bunch of Democrats and Republicans out on the front porch, smoking cigarettes. The Demos would be looking sheepish and apologetic. The Repubs would not. When one had to borrow a lighter from the other, they'd both kind of laugh. On the back porch, there'd be a thick blanket of pot smoke. Some Libertarian would be saying "Buy your own, freak boy" and the freak boy lefty would be saying "Dude, you owe me. I totally let you see Frankie's sister's tits in exchange for your photos of that dude with his head blown off" and the Libertarian is like "So, we had an exchange. You got what you wanted; I got what I wanted. End of transaction." Frankie's sister is on the porch steps, pissed off--"What the fuck? You let some guy look at my tits for your own gain? Can't you even pretend for five minutes not to be a sexist jerk?" The lefty is ignoring her. The Libertarian is winking at her. Then the doorbell rings and in walk two flamboyantly gay guys in leather. They wave at everyone, kiss, and walk upstairs. Once upstairs, they discretely lock themselves in a bedroom and begin to have sex. A couple of conservative Republicans push Bill Clinton, who has been standing in the doorway to the back porch, out of the way and yell in at the Libertarian, "There are gay guys having sex upstairs right now! Come see." The Libertarian says, "I don't give a fuck what anyone is doing as long as I don't have to pay for it." The conservative Republicans then run out to the driveway where the Christian Right is standing around--the men with their hair neatly arranged, the women with their baked goods--trying to decide if they should go in or not. "Hey, you guys," the Republicans say, "There are gay people having sex upstairs right now. We have to stop them before they ruin marriage." Everyone runs upstairs as quickly as possible. They stand outside the door, listening to the noises of pleasure. The Christian Right pounds on the door, warning the gay dudes that they are going to Hell. The Republican dudes are staring in through the keyhole. The Libertarians come upstairs and say "Those jackass liberals are eating everything in sight and they want everyone to chip in $5 towards more groceries. I'm not giving them five more dollars just so they can sit around and eat food on my hard-earned money." Everyone else: "Yeah, tell them 'no fucking way.' But, hey, if they're going to the grocery store, here's $5. Have them pick up some chips for us. But tell them not to eat them." The Libertarians are all like, fine, whatever, and wander back down stairs. The two Republicans go into the nearby bathroom and start making out. "Oh my god," says one as the other kneels down. "I can't believe those gay guys just waltzed in here, flaunting themselves like that..." "Mrrmm," says the other one. "When they get out, let's beat the shit out of them and then work on banning gay marriage," says the first. "Mmmmrmrmm," says the other one. Meanwhile, the conservative Christians look at both shut doors and realize that the same sounds are coming from behind both. "Golly," says one. "This is unacceptable." "But what can we do?" says another. "I have an idea," says a third. "Who up here is gay?" He shouts out. "Not us!" yell the Republicans from the bathroom. "Okay, these folks we can blackmail into doing our bidding. Let's stick with the Republicans." Unnoticed, in the back of the group, is an upset looking 17 year old girl, who loves her parents, but has just quietly answered "me." Downstairs, other Christians, both righties and lefties, are staring up in incredulity. "Are they really going to use their religious beliefs for political gain? Are they really going to try to force the Republican party to use their definition of Christianity as the definition of Christianity? We should really stop them." "Well, I don't know. It seems un-Christian to chastise other Christians." Soon, the liberals arrive with more food, and the party continues. ***** So, I hope you fellow liberals can see that one's political beliefs are not so much locatible on a spectrum, but have more to do with a shifting set of allegiances based on who you think is being the biggest moron at the moment and setting yourself against them.

11 Comments:

Blogger Glen said...

"I don't give a fuck what anyone is doing as long as I don't have to pay for it."

That statement completely describes my philosophy. Live and let live. If it doesn't hurt me or somebody else and it doesn't cost me, then it aint none of my business.

Well done!

10/02/2005 12:52:00 PM  
Blogger Kat Coble said...

I used to say that sentiment best described me, but I'm now convinced that I'm a pragmatic contrarian. I'll be the woman with the clove cigarettes telling everyone else why they've screwed up and how we should really just get together and go beat up the guys who are writing this season of LOST.

10/02/2005 02:04:00 PM  
Blogger Kleinheider said...

Okay, I've thought a lot about this. The best I can figure is that I'm the 17 year-old lesbian girl. Am I right? :)

10/02/2005 03:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just so we're clear, there is going to be pot and emotionally vulnerable 17 year-old girls at this party, right?

10/02/2005 03:49:00 PM  
Blogger Kleinheider said...

emotionally vulnerable 17 year-old girls

Castroni, listen, I may be emotionally vulnerable but I'm a lesbian. I'm a straight-up V-girl. Recognize.

10/02/2005 03:57:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Kleinheider, while I'm sure Sarcastro knows his way around pretty young things, keep in mind that I have a vagina and I'm liberal, so I'm game for anything--emotionally vulnerable young ladies, gentlemen who feel like emotionally vulnerable young ladies, gentlemen who want to fuck emotionally vulnerable young ladies, whoever.

And, I'll be gentle... sort of... I mean, you know, I won't peg you the first time or anything. Unless you want me to.

Plus, who loves to say your last name more than me? I don't think anyone.

10/02/2005 04:53:00 PM  
Blogger Kat Coble said...

Steve, when was the last time you knew libertarians to GIVE anyone pot?

Think about it.

10/02/2005 05:17:00 PM  
Blogger twila said...

Oh my God, it's all clear to me now. Thanks for clearing that up.

10/02/2005 06:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I come to the party and be the guy that gets stoned and tells eveyrone where they went wrong?

W

A liberal emailed me this yesterday.....

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

10/02/2005 07:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I recognize there, Janis Ian Kleinheider.

10/03/2005 07:58:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Janis Ian Kleinheider? That's pretty funny.

Sorry, I didn't mean to move in on your territory. If Kleinheider turns out to be a hot young libertarian girl, you can have her first.

10/03/2005 08:29:00 AM  

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