Sunday, December 18, 2005

The Return of the Man from GM

So, I didn't just spend all my time on the phone yesterday with the Man from GM rubbing it in his face that his company is going to ruin his life and didn't he want to hear some Tom Petty before he discovered he'd never be able to retire? No, we were also talking about New Year's, which he is now threatening to come down for. Many of you may recall how it goes when the Man from GM visits. Everything is fine for a while* and then he feels like my "slutty" friends ought to have sex with him, if only he finds the right "secret" place to put his hand or foot. Almost always, this involves him putting his hand on their feet or his foot on their asses. Then, when they decline to have sex with him, because--I suspect--they don't know him, he has no flirting skills, and he doesn't even seem to have a general sense of what body parts go where, he gets all bitter and angry and mean. Then I get pissed off and by the time he's going back to the airport I'm not even speaking to him and he's sitting on the plane stewing and then he's calling me the second the plane lands in Detroit to continue to fight about all the ways he's better than all my friends. The last time he was here, I swore I was never going to let him come back, because he was such a fucktard and it ended up costing me a lot of money** and self-respect. And, as you may recall, I was still so pissed at him months later that I rescinded his invitation to my cousin's wedding***. But now, in typical Man from GM fashion, we're supposed to pretend like we've worked that shit all out and not what actually happened, which is, as pissed as I am, I'm amazed and amused by his ability to just insist on the rightness of his own understanding of the world--if women don't want to sleep with him, it's their problem, not his. If his friends are frequently pissed at him, he just has moody friends--and so have just gotten over it. I guess we'll see if he actually comes. And, if he actually comes, we can all take bets on who kills whom first. *And in all fairness to him, over the course of our friendship, a "while" has increased from 3.5 seconds to approximately 18 hours. **Because, did I mention? Cheap-ass motherfucker. ***So, in an indirect way, he's responsible for my mom running around warning everyone that I was gay.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

In RE to the Man from GM's fucktardedness back in July, not moseying with you on your walk with Mrs. Wigglebottom: People that don't have dogs don't seem to understand how walking a dog isn't like walking by yourself. My brilliant sister, the Divine Ms. B, once said that a dog's daily walk is like reading the newspaper for them. They have to stop and check out each little interesting scrap of garbage or deer pee or dog poo or whatever the hell else they smell. Whenever I walk Percy with my husband, he's also always impatiently dragging the dog along away from fun smelly spots. "Come on, Percy. Jesus! Let's go!" Percy finds this quite annoying. I'm sure it's like trying to read the newspaper and having someone continually turn the page on you.

Miss J

12/18/2005 11:26:00 AM  
Blogger the Professor said...

Even if there is no dog sniffing and enjoying, if a person is slowly looking and taking her time with a walk, it's rude and inconsiderate to run ahead.

B, if he does happen to come, are you expecting me to be present or understanding of my desire to not be around? I don't generally do New Year's celebrating anyhow.

12/18/2005 11:48:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

Now, Professor, let's not get all excited about making principled stands before we even know if it's necessary.

12/18/2005 01:27:00 PM  
Blogger the Professor said...

Principled? It's just that my desire to not interact with him might actually outweigh my desire to spend quality time with you. I guess because I figure that I'll have plentyof opportunities to see you in 2006 that I don't have to worry much and can make the affore mentionted calculation. I don't think there's any principle invovled.

12/18/2005 11:48:00 PM  

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